{A Mother's Rite-of-Passage}

Dear Bride-to-Be:

In my 30 or so years working with brides and their families while planning a wedding, I have been around many mother-daughter relationships. And if I was ever asked for a bit of coaching by the bride, I may have said something like: “Remember, your wedding is also a rite-of-passage—a time of deep personal change—for your mother as well as for you.” And if the mother asked for a bit of advice, perhaps I’d say: “Remember, your daughter is a grown-up now; it’s time to listen and be a friend.”

I write a lot about this relationship, dedicating a chapter to mothers and daughters in my book The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride, even quoting designers Vera Wang and the late Oscar de la Renta—who both dressed thousands of brides. This from Oscar: “The wedding is almost as important to the mother as it is to the bride.” And from Vera:

The most challenging relationship is often that of mother and daughter. A wedding can unleash torrents of emotion, and a bride must balance her own needs for control with her mother’s sense of involvement.

The theme running through this “mothers and daughters” chapter, however, is ‘being grateful’...opening with the Jean Baptiste Massieu quote: “Gratitude is the memory of the heart.”  So no matter how fraught with tension a situation or relationship becomes, take a deep breath, listen for that “still, small voice of gratitude” and open your heart.

Love. Listen. Let go.

….with love from Cornelia 

ps: Read more about mothers and daughters and gratitude with your own copy of The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride {Volume One} For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescued the Great White Wedding.

[Photo courtesy of BHLN]

{Mothers, Daughters and Weddings}

Dear Bride-to-Be: 

I thought you’d enjoy my article published in the fall issue of Season Magazine. Click here to read it from the online magazine...and I’ve reprinted it below. ’Tis an excerpt from my new book The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride {Volume One} For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescued the Great White Wedding.

Mothers, Daughters and Weddings

Historically, weddings reflect changes within a culture. And perhaps no relationship is more affected than that of mothers and daughters. It was not long ago (when brides were typically young women not yet out of the “family nest”) that mothers orchestrated the whole affair. But today most brides are independent women who plan their own wedding—only sometimes with their mother’s assistance.

Nevertheless, weddings can still offer the possibility for mothers and daughters to deepen or restore their connection with each other—especially by participating in shared activities that have the quality of ritual. Many years ago this may have been creating the bridal gown together or stitching trousseau linens for the bride’s new home, offering opportunities to chat about life and love and what the future may bring. Today it could be a joint outing to try on dresses. (And if it’s to deepen relationships, I advise leaving judgments at home and taking one’s most diplomatic self along!)

Fashion designer Vera Wang has become an expert on weddings. Not just because she’s designed thousands of bridal gowns—and attended almost as many ceremonies—but also because of her keen observation of relationships. So her take on mothers is worth noting:

Each parent has his or her own distinct part to play. The most complex and challenging relationship, however, is often that of mother and daughter. Differences in style, vision and expectation can begin with the gown and end at the reception, with every issue in between fair game for controversy. A wedding can unleash torrents of emotion, and a bride must balance her own need for control with her mother’s sense of involvement. Sometimes fashion can even become an excuse for unexpressed issues.

The late designer Oscar de la Renta, who had been present for many mother-daughter gatherings in his bridal studio, had “gentlemanly” thoughts about mothers when asked who a bride should bring with her on a shopping excursion:

It would be cruel not to bring your mother along. The wedding is almost as important to the mother as it is to the bride. But brides should prepare their mothers for what they are thinking of wearing. The mother always has a notion of what she wants her daughter to look like, but the daughter is a woman now and she wants to look like one. If I feel like the bride is holding back on choosing something she really wants because she doesn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings, I ask the mother if I can talk to the bride alone.

I recall those daughter-mother encounters in my former shop; some tender, some extremely tense, some remarkably both. At times it was as though I was watching each woman relive her life in an emotional time-lapse montage. A wedding becomes more of a pleasure and a blessing when we remember it’s a pivotal rite-of-passage for both daughter and mother. 
Try a little tenderness.~

[Excerpted from my new book: The End of theFairy-Tale Bride {Volume One} For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescuedthe Great White Wedding.]

[Mother and daughter photo courtesy of BHLDN]

{Honoring Elegant & Kind Gentlemen}

Oscar de la Renta & Amal Alamuddin 
Vogue October 2014

Dear Bride-to-Be: 
Whether you are an old-fashioned girl who loves tradition or part of the “jammin’ and Instagrammin’ set” looking for something a bit subversive to wear for your wedding; or whether this is your first trip to the altar or a woman who’s been there before; or whether you are just beginning a career or an accomplished business woman of some renown. Wherever you are in your life, selecting your bridal gown is a moment of some consideration.   

I wanted to honor a man—a designer of elegant, feminine and stylishly romantic wedding dresses—who never wavered in considering the wishes of the woman who would wear his gown. (No matter what “type” of bride she was!) Oscar de la Renta, who died this fall, was a true gentleman of elegance and grace, humor and intelligence, and a lover of beautiful things with a commitment to bring out the joy in life—his and that of everyone around him.

André Leon Talley called Oscar “a master of the grand wedding gown” and his last such gown was for the beautiful Amal Alamuddin, now wife of George Clooney. The custom gown was a luscious womanly confection of ivory tulle appliquéd with Chantilly lace. Her final fitting was covered by Vogue where the designer shared about a woman's relationship with her wedding gown: “It’s the most important dress in the life of a woman. Any girl from any walk of life dreams of that special dress, and I try to make that dream a reality for her.”

Oscar wasn’t saying that women didn’t have other important occasions in their life for special clothes—like what to wear for her swearing-in as President of the United States or etcetera! Just that this particular gown is imbued with some mystical, mythological and deeply ingrained mojo! And Oscar understood that and knew how to tap into that magic so a woman felt it on her wedding day.

Oscar de la Renta with Elizabeth Cordry Shaffer, 2013

Here’s intending that no matter what you wear for your wedding—a delicious designer gown or some delightful find from a vintage shop—that you feel dreamy and loved and beautiful inside and out...and are treated with the kind and tender touch of such a gentleman throughout your life.

Love. Listen. Let go.
...with love from Cornelia

ps: My upcoming book, The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride {Volume One} For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescued the Great White Wedding, is full of stories about designer dresses and a woman’s deep heart desires!