Those 'Something Old' Wedding Vows

 

Scene of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert's wedding, c1840

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Those 'Something Old' Wedding Vows

{Part Two of “Marriage and the ‘Prospect of Happiness’”}

A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -Ambrose Bierce, 19th century journalist

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After years of badly-behaved Hanoverian kings, their niece, nineteen-year-old Princess Victoria, became the queen of England in 1838. “The emphasis upon Victoria’s sheltered upbringing, her maidenly modesty and her dependence on her first prime minister,” historical novelist Philippa Gregory explained, “emphasized the subservience of all women — even a queen.” Although Victoria was a feisty, strong-willed, smart, determined young woman, she believed her own second-class status because of her gender.

This inequality had been deeply embedded in the patriarchal-controlled culture for centuries, reinforced at every traditional “Westernized” wedding ceremony. Women promised “to obey” their husbands when saying their marriage vows — vows written in the Church of England’s Book of Common Prayer from 1549. And vows repeated into the twentieth century.

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“On her marriage to Prince Albert in 1840,” Gregory continued, “Victoria signaled her obedience to her husband as master of the household, her deference to him as an advisor and her role as domestic woman: a wife and mother, supporting the idea that a happy marriage was created and nourished by female submission, however important the wife might be.” So even with a woman on the throne, a married woman’s “prospect of happiness” remained in question.

However, Victoria became queen at a time of robust social activism that put attention on women’s rights in both England and the United States, including a move to change marriage laws. As the most powerful woman in the world, Queen Victoria’s example in marriage was influential and far-reaching. This may have hindered, but it did not stop the growing movement for women’s autonomy. Plus, there was another feisty woman on the other side of the Atlantic. Susan B. Anthony, who chose not to marry so she’d be free to dedicate her life campaigning for a woman’s right to vote in the U.S., declared: “No man is good enough to govern a woman without her consent.”

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{Wedding Vows}

My article “Wedding Vows” just published in the fall issue of SEASON magazine! It shares how Princess Diana’s wedding in 1981 signaled changes in the world of weddings, including the promises a couple makes during their ceremony. (‘Tis based on excerpts from my book, The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride: For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescued the Great White Wedding.) Enjoy!

Wedding Vows

 The bride’s entrance into the majesty of St. Paul’s was announced by a fanfare from trumpeters high inside the cathedral’s celebrated dome. Perhaps they were not only announcing a princess bride, but prophetically heralding in, for better or worse, a new era! Thirty-five years ago Lady Diana Spencer’s charismatic appeal as a bride, combined with the grand splendor of the British monarchy, resurrected the “great white wedding”—helped along with society’s need for order and tradition, a little Reaganomics, plus a dash of glam and glitter!

Or as author Maria McBride-Mellinger described changes following the royal wedding in 1981:  “After a decade of swinging singles and disco infernos, suddenly everyone wanted to be married and every bride wanted a gown fit for a queen: regal and ornate, with a lengthy train, and a jeweled veil. The big white wedding was back in style and no expense seemed too great.”Signaling another change of the times, the bride and groom made royal history that day with a break in tradition even before becoming husband and wife. Removing some outdated words from the Church of England’s 1662 version of the Book of Common Prayer, as the couple stood before the archbishop of Canterbury, and witnessed by nearly a million-fold television audience, the bride’s marriage vows did not include the promise “to obey.”

  

A London byline in The Washington Post a few days before the wedding reported that the archbishop of Canterbury revealed “the decision to drop this vow was made very quickly in his discussion of the service with Charles and Diana and that he told them, the usual clergyman’s joke. ‘It’s a bad thing to start your marriage off with a downright lie.’ He told reporters that many couples now omit the vow, which was a remnant from the Middle Ages, when a wife would pledge ‘to be bonny and buxom in bed and board.’”

I don’t doubt the archbishop’s knowledge of history regarding marriage vows including “to love, cherish and obey.” However, my understanding of the Latin meaning of the word “obey” as used in the old marriage text is “to hear, to deeply listen”—a promise that would be beneficial, even essential, to any marriage, no? If that’s the case, my only complaint with the original marriage vows is that the pledge “to obey” (i.e., “to listen”) was in the woman’s declaration but not in the man’s. Is the promise “to love and cherish” really possible without “deep listening”?

Some wedding “traditions”—royal or otherwise—are indeed outdated and need tossing aside; others are keepers in their own right. Then there are those traditions that simply need the wisdom of a woman’s touch! □

[Excerpt from The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride: For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescued the Great White Wedding]

{The Promise of Wedding Vows}

My article, “The Promise of Wedding Vows”—highlighting the 35^th anniversary of the momentous wedding of Princess Diana—was just published on Huffington Post. This royal event not only changed the culture of weddings worldwide, but also came at the time when the world of women was in a great consciousness shift. 
Plus, the article is an excerpt from my latest book, The End of the Fairy-Tale Bride {Volume One} For Better or Worse, How Princess Diana Rescued the Great White Wedding.

Enjoy! Here’s the link.

{Gracious Destinations}

Dear Bride-to-Be: 
You always want your wedding to be in a beautiful setting: whether a large cathedral or cozy chapel; an ornate temple or a lush blue-water beach; a backyard garden or an elegant historical mansion!


There are many lovely and grand old homes around the world (some are even castles) that have been restored into "destination" wedding venues....places that seem to call forth the beauty and magic of ancient rituals. I just visited one in Mobile, Alabama: the elegant Bragg-Mitchell Mansion in all its antebellum glory, nestled among graceful live oaks and palmettos. (I was there to give my Downton Abbey costume talk and have a book signing.)

Having an intimate "sense of place" for their wedding is important to many couples...a sense that they feel "at home" yet transported to something moving, even spiritual. So wherever you choose to gather for wedding vows and deep connections with family and friends—close to home or faraway—choose from your heart and that intimacy will guide your strong sense of place all the way "home."

Love. Listen. Let go.
...with love from Cornelia

Bragg-Mitchell Mansion dining table set for Morning Coffee
during my "Downton Abbey" presentation. 

[Images courtesy of Bragg-Mitchell Mansion]

{Choices of Your Heart}

Dear Bride-to-Be:

“Wearing a wedding gown is so weird,” a bride was quoted in The Bride Revealed, a book by wedding photographer Leslie Barton. “It’s not like any other dress. I felt so grown-up and elegant in it. At the same time, it felt like a costume. Even during my wedding, when I saw my reflection, I was startled. ‘Who is that?’ It’s such an important transformation, from the usual jeans and T-shirt to a formal wedding gown. I felt it strengthened the commitment, that what I said on this day would be with me for the rest of my life.”

This bride reveals something that you might soon find out for yourself. That your wedding gown, and all the other rituals you use for your wedding—the music, flowers, exchange of rings, even your vows—are all outward expressions of your inner self. They are a reflection of what you hold in your heart and meant to, as this bride shared, “strengthen your commitment” to all you hold dear.

And you thought your wedding dress was only to make you look like a dream! It’s not only a “transformation from jeans to formal gown,” but also a transformation of your heart—deepening your commitment to your best self. Make the things you choose for your wedding, choices of your “big old beautiful open heart!”

Love. Listen. Let go.

....with love from Cornelia

[Photograph: Leslie Barton]

{A Handkerchief for Your Wedding} Part One: "Keepsake Vows"

Dear Bride-to-Be:
Are you writing your own vows or perhaps rewriting some beautiful old ceremonial text, like from The Book of Common Prayer? The words spoken at a wedding carry more than just promises and declarations, they carry the rhythm and heartbeat of your deeper self. (Don’t dismiss their potential power by not giving them thoughtful consideration.)

Here’s a lovely idea that requires you to put attention on your vows early on. In arrangements made long before your ceremony, calligrapher Anne Elser, using her graceful script, will write your vows in permanent paint on a handkerchief—yours or ones from her vintage collection—so you’ll truly carry the words of your heart with you down the aisle. And, if needed, you’ll have a little “I Do” assistance at the altar as well as a beautiful keepsake.

For those of you who have read my book, The Bride's Ritual Guide: Look Inside to Find Yourself, (or remember my shop from years ago) you’ll know that handkerchiefs—especially fine vintage and antique ones—are dear to me. And I consider a charmingly serviceable hanky a must for every bride (and groom) to carry on their wedding day (for tears, runny noses, moist brows, dewy palms—you get the picture!) So this post begins a new series featuring the practical yet mysterious handkerchief. Revisit here often for bits of folklore that will tickle your heart (and maybe learn a handy-hanky tip or two.)

Love. Listen. Let go.
....with love from Cornelia

ps: Tune in for “hanky installment” Part Two coming soon!

[Photographs: (top) Josie Miner; (bottom) Martha Stewart Weddings]